Driving.

For far too long I have kept our conversation from August 11th in my chest. You were probably cold and maybe a little tired, and I was drunk (and sad), very drunk (and very sad). And afterwards I thought that I had fucked us up. I thought that I maybe could have had a chance, because you told me that you had felt the same, you said "I did too." and this whole time I've thought of it from my heart, from my hands, from the feeling of you against me.


               But, I seem to have forgotten one thing: I never told you how I felt. So, you lied (fuck you for lying). You never felt the same way about me, you never loved me, you never thought you loved me, you never kept your pulse for me. But, you liked me, in a junior high sort of way. I was a substitute, a temp.

You kept my pulse, You and nothing else.

But I would never stoop so low as he did, I would never threaten you with that.

                                                                                                                                But-

Calm the fuck down, everything will be okay.

He didn't say that, He didn't say any of it. But, i did.

He didn't stick around, but i did.

He wasn't there for You, but i was,

He said He'd kill himself if He couldn't be with You; i said i'd live for you, because that's what You asked me to do.

But, it's not like it matters anymore. You made Your choice. And You gave Him credit for the things that i did, for the things that i said. So fuck it, it doesn't matter to You, pretend that it was Him. 

i'll be here, waiting. 

There you were walking through the parking lot of Walmart, I saw the back of your head, and that was it.

My body shut down, because, there you were; your disgusting blonde hair pulled up on top of your head, your bony body popping out of your skin, your skin doesn't see the sun often enough, your Jean shorts didn't really fit you, and neither did that maroon shirt, they looked too big but it doesn't matter much anymore since you're married, and you drove in with your little sister, and you walked past my car and I closed my eyes and tried pretending that I wasn't in that parking lot and that you were still gone and as soon as you were out of sight I took off, and when I got home I punched a whole through the wall. I can't get the feeling of you off my fingers.