One Last Thing, Before I Go

*This will be my last post on this blog

I'm sorry for the way that I treated Yóu, Yóu deserved so much better.

Yóu loved me so completely, and Yóu deserved someone who loved Yóu as much as Yóu loved them. I couldn't be that person. I'm sorry I was late, as always. It sounds like I'm fishing--I'm not, I told myself I would never say anything, for Yóur sake. But then Yóu stopped being with me, even when Yóu were with me, and Yóu stopped looking at me in that same way Yóu always did, and Yóu didn't sound the same when Yóu talked to me, and I knew Yóu didn't love me anymore, so Yóu can't be that hurt by what I need to say, it can't be that big of a deal to Yóu, right? So I feel like it's safe to say it, and I hope Yóu understand, and I hope Yóu aren't mad. I really do think it was what was best for Yóu. I just want Yóu to know the truth, I think I owe it to Yóu. And to be honest, it's killing me to keep in. You need to exhale to inhale. And I'm in desperate need to inhale.

But, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to tell Yóu, I've spent the last few weeks drafting and re-drafting this, but nothing said what I wanted it to, I wish I could just say it to Yóu. But it's too much for me to explain, I don't think the words would find their way out, so I took the lyrics to one of my favorite songs (yes, it is by one of Derrick Brown's bands) and changed a few things about them. And I know that Yóu deserve a lot more than this, but this is all that I have, there are so many things that I want to say to Yóu, so many things that I should have told Yóu, so many things I never want Yóu to know. I don't know how to say any of it.

I'm sorry for this. I'm sorry for everything. I can't apologize enough. I'm sorry I can't say what I want to, what I always should have.

Hold, hold fast the feeling, yeah its coming,
is this the feeling that Yóu wanted?
And I can't sleep 'cause my castle's haunted,
how I twist inside and wonder
if someone as good as Yóu is coming.

Oh, and when they're not?
I wanted to tell Yóu to reach me.
And I'll open up
if someone can teach me
that signal Yóu were trying to send me-
it was love, 
but I couldn't take it Dear.

I cannot sleep in these pill bottle years.
Oh, I know Yóu worked so hard
to find the love
in abandoned parking lots,
as the snow fell I rested my head on Yóu
and Yóur chewed up fingernails
I watched the snow land on Yóur eyelash
and Yóu said what if We fail?

Not if we hold on and sit here like idiots,
not if we sit still like smoking frozen idiots,
to find the signal
You were trying
to send me-
it was love,
but I couldn't take it Dear.

Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye.
Goodbye. Goodbye.

Yóur long gaze,
Yóur blue eyes,
Yóur kindness.

The pine tar
in my heart
it's death grippe,

Yóur moonlight my only supporter,
Yóu are love.

What was I hiding from?
Oh tell me Dear, what am I hiding from?
Oh tell me Dear,
what was I afraid of?



       With all that I have,

                    Róah

There are so many things I want to say, so many things I should have said, so many things I never want you to hear. 

Don't cut unless I say cut

Keep the camera rolling. Nate would you get a wide angle shot from the balcony on the other side of the road? No, on second thought come closer lets do a close up, actually, just do what ever you want just keep me off center. Let's give it to them straight this time.

I keep running into old childhood friends and they're always telling me how they've just been accepted to medical school or they're about to get their MBA or they've just received a scholarship to some university, and I'm still struggling to get out of my bed in the morning. The past three nights I've tried to make a list of all the reasons to get up in the morning, to go to work, to eat, to get sober, all the reasons not to crash my car, all the reasons to continue to survive and let me tell you, it's not impressive, it's got two items on it.

So I'm writing this outback behind my work and I've just finished my cigarette, it was one of those sage colored ones Soley told me I needed to try. And to my left is a man with blonde hair and some scruff--he's and ex-heroin addict-- and he's wearing brown hiking boots and smoking some type of camel cigarette and he tried to start a conversation with me but I'm no good at that. I'm not really sure what in trying to say here, I guess it's nothing, I'm just trying to give it to you straight. Where I am in life, how insignificant my existence is. This has become routine. So I've stopped drinking and I've stopped smoking pot and I've stopped using all chemicals and substances. And I'm trying to get better, I'm trying to focus on the positive and focus on my breath and the way the mountains look at night time when there's a full moon, and in struggling. But I think I'll be okay.

I don't like the people I work with, I'm terrified of becoming like them. I'm losing all desire for a real future for myself, I'm losing my appetite. I'm sick of putting off and putting it pretty and making people work to understand what I'm saying, what I'm trying to get of my lungs, so here it is: I'm not happy. And I'd like to change but it's far too difficult to wake in the morning.
 

We like, ya know, almost dated right?

I told you, didn't I my dearest? I told you that that demon would die, I told you that you would find someone, that they would love you as much as you love them and you'd be happy and you'd look back and wonder why?  You won't see what you once did.

And I'm happy for you. Hold on to him tight, he fits in  the cracks of your wood frame, and that's hard to come by.

Let me buy coffee some time.

Shit, Autumn

I can't explain it, but I should start with me being drunk and not crying as I'm reading through every conversation that I have documented, all the miserable drunk nights of your's, the fear of marriage, the ambition and excitement of trips to Europe and Northern Africa, all the times you told me you couldn't stand him, the fear in my feet of going where they wanted right beside yours. There's this thing that doesn't seem right with what happened, you dropping off and my mental state growing worse. There's all these things that my brain doesn't do, all these things that my hands don't register, I can't seem to figure out if it's my heart or something else because I can't seem to connect on any level with other humans, and the only time I ever really have was with you, and maybe that's why my jeans are still sewn with threads of your hair maybe that's why I bite my nails, maybe that's why I can't wipe the smell of you from my clothes, maybe that's why I'm drunk, maybe I've fucked up everything.

There was this conversation that we had, it started because you were telling me things and I wasn't remembering them and you told me that I had been acting "cloudy/weird" lately, and for some reason in my post-drunkeness that seems so fucking important. Like it was just the beginning of my personal destruction, like you were helping me find myself, crawl out of this cave I call home and when you cut me off, all progress was cut off, like fuck me, all I want is to revisit your old blogs, the ones where you called yourself Penelope, the ones that broke my heart but gave me hope.

There was this one conversation that we had, in the middle of it you told me not to write about it, but I'm going to write now: I was drunk and just wanted to talk to you, hear your voice but I didn't want you to know how drunk I was, I told you "happy birthday" and you thought I was your kid brother, and I was just wanted to tell you that I don't feel the same as I used to, but I feel far worse, I just wanted to tell you that I'd do anything to see you again, but I settled for curiosity on why he felt the way he felt about me in the beginning. I have the conversation written down in my notebook.

There was this one conversation that we had, you were drunk on wine and I wanted to see you but I was seventeen and I didn't have a driver's license, I told you to do what your hands and eyes and legs and feet and chest wanted to do, clearly it was to cut me off, get married without ever planning on telling me.

There was this one conversation that I had with myself, it went like this:

Go home and go to sleep, you'll wake up hungover but you'll wake up.

For Penelope

Susan never fell in  love with me;
She fell in love with the way I write about you.

Rum

Hungover on the twenty-first of  December, my fingers taste like cigarettes and for some reason I'm reading her kid sister's blog, scrolling through pieces of my own poems, reading a re-post of "Into The Thicket" that has the spacing all fucked up, the computer screen is a terrible thing for a hangover, but my curiosity kept me looking. And every now and then I felt like I was getting glimpses of three years back, glimpses of a time when my mind didn't need to be consumed by substance to get me through the night, or the day. I'll be back tonight, or maybe tomorrow morning with more rum.

What I really want to know is: Does she have any idea that every one of them is about her sister? And maybe what I want to know even more is: Does her sister know that they're about her?

My Lovely Friend

I'm happy for you.

Driving.

For far too long I have kept our conversation from August 11th in my chest. You were probably cold and maybe a little tired, and I was drunk (and sad), very drunk (and very sad). And afterwards I thought that I had fucked us up. I thought that I maybe could have had a chance, because you told me that you had felt the same, you said "I did too." and this whole time I've thought of it from my heart, from my hands, from the feeling of you against me.


               But, I seem to have forgotten one thing: I never told you how I felt. So, you lied (fuck you for lying). You never felt the same way about me, you never loved me, you never thought you loved me, you never kept your pulse for me. But, you liked me, in a junior high sort of way. I was a substitute, a temp.

You kept my pulse, You and nothing else.

But I would never stoop so low as he did, I would never threaten you with that.

                                                                                                                                But-

Calm the fuck down, everything will be okay.

He didn't say that, He didn't say any of it. But, i did.

He didn't stick around, but i did.

He wasn't there for You, but i was,

He said He'd kill himself if He couldn't be with You; i said i'd live for you, because that's what You asked me to do.

But, it's not like it matters anymore. You made Your choice. And You gave Him credit for the things that i did, for the things that i said. So fuck it, it doesn't matter to You, pretend that it was Him. 

i'll be here, waiting. 

There you were walking through the parking lot of Walmart, I saw the back of your head, and that was it.

My body shut down, because, there you were; your disgusting blonde hair pulled up on top of your head, your bony body popping out of your skin, your skin doesn't see the sun often enough, your Jean shorts didn't really fit you, and neither did that maroon shirt, they looked too big but it doesn't matter much anymore since you're married, and you drove in with your little sister, and you walked past my car and I closed my eyes and tried pretending that I wasn't in that parking lot and that you were still gone and as soon as you were out of sight I took off, and when I got home I punched a whole through the wall. I can't get the feeling of you off my fingers.

Farewell, Farwell

It's over, and I've accomplished

                                                     nothing.

What she said.

I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. 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I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too.  I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. 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I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. 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I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too.  I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too. I did too.

TODAY

I found a photo of you, with him.


You were wearing my clothing,


and the first thing I noticed

was that, that colour really

brings
         out
                your

                                   depression.

Random Thoughts-- July 28

She's-






















































































































Fuck it.

With You- random thoughts for July 27th of 2013

For two and a half hours, I sat in a room with the television blaring, the record player looping, and a cup of coffee going cold on the window sill.
I don't remember moving, but I do remember the sweat on my palms, the image glued to my computer, a lake by your house, him standing there looking off into the great mountains of Juneau.
Maybe I'm a child, maybe I'm foolish, but I always thought that it would be us. I always thought we would live and love in some off set place.
My mind is in eleventh grade when you read "On the Road" by Jack Kerouac, and you planned a trip to Europe and asked me to go with you, and I played along, and you got drunk, and i was too cold to walk the two and a half miles up hill from my house to your fathers.
And now we're sitting in your fathers hot tub and now we're scrolling through movies on your fathers television, and now we're in his basement, and now we're in a tree-house, and now we're by the creek, and now it's 4:45 am, and now i'm calling you and now I'm getting drunk, real fucking drunk because I gave up too early, and never fought, and I never really tried and I look out the window and hope that something terrible will happen, some sickness--cancer or whatever, fuck it, I don't care. Now i'm driving my mothers car up a canyon and I'm holding the wheel as tight as possible, but now i'm not moving because i'm past killing myself but not past driving off a cliff, and this has nothing to do with you, this is me, and my head, and my body, and the fact that I don't create enough serotonin to reach my fingers but therapists don't know what to say or how to say it. So now i'm making worse decisions then before i'm laying on the carpet as the needle moves towards the center of the vinyl, and I'm rehearsing the words that I know, and my dog is asleep and the sun should be coming up and I should be angry but my legs are tired and I'm tired and I say that I'm busy but I'm not even watching the images. I am not real, and I fear that you and I might be dead, and I know that we will be soon but I'm not talking about our hearts beating or our brains sending messages to our feet, I'm talking about the way we don't talk because you're married and he doesn't like me because I love you and how I can't talk to you because I don't like you and because I love you and I put you two back together and now i'm driving that shitty silver convertible your dad bought you--the one with the roof that didn't go down, and the engine that shook and slide like my hands on your back, the one that your dad's girlfriend borrowed because her car smelt like shit--and your kissing him with your coffee breathe in the rear view mirror and he's trying to take off your shirt but you find him revolting and you aren't sure about him and i keep driving, and now your telling me that you didn't like the back seat, and now we're walking through the hallways of our old high school and you have that horrid green hat on but I could never tell you i didn't like it because you were beautiful no matter what you wore, and you were beautiful no matter what you wore, and you were beautiful no matter what you wore, and you were beautiful no matter what you wore and you were beautiful no matter what you wore andyou were beautiful no matter what you wore andyouwere beautiful no matter what you wore andyouwerebeautiful no matter what you wore and you were beautiful, and you were fucking beautiful and now you're crying and thinking you might be pregnant and telling me about what he did and what you let him do and how okay with it you were, but now we remember that were in high school and you're smoking an american spirit and I'm out of my mind laying on the freezing cement in January wrapped up in a giant blanket that history with us--frozen lakes, rooftops, and creeks. and now I'm trying to kiss you and you're backing away, but now i am kissing you and now I'm losing reality and I'm not sure how to tell the difference between the stories i write and the memories my mind harbors, and now we're walking with each other and your you, and your beautiful and I have a fucking beard and I'm wearing glasses and I have tattoos on my fucking arms and you're beautiful and we're heading north and you're fucking beautiful and you're beautiful, but now I'm drunk, laying on my carpet looking at the computer screen, at a photo of him by the lake by your house looking off into the amazing mountains of Juneau, Alaska and I put you two back together and I'm glad that you smile when you come home from work and he's there on the couch playing his guitar, and I'm glad that you fall asleep at work because you two stay up late making love with the television blaring off in the background, and I'm glad that you two kiss too much and I'm glad that I wasn't invited to your wedding, and I'm glad that I can't think, and I'm glad that you live thousands of miles away, and I'm glad that you two are glad and that you two are proving all of us wrong, and I'm glad that every day you wake up and see those beautiful fucking mountains and i'm glad that when the sun comes out you take pictures and I'm glad that I get to see those pictures because you always look fucking beautiful and you always did, and I'm dissecting myself to find out if i'm being honest because Suzzy was right when she said "all i'm good for is writing love poems, but all you're good for is being in them" and I don't want her to read this, and I don't want you to read this and I don't want to wake up in the mourning, and I don't want to realize that I don't work tomorrow because then I'll realize that i have nobody to fuckin' call, and nobody to fuckin' talk to and i'm okay with 48 hour weeks because I can forget about people or friends or fuck it, I don't talk to them or hang out with them or anyone, so  whatever the fuck your supposed to call those kinds of fuckin' people,maybe I'm a recluse or whatever, fuck it. . Every fuckin' time Suzzy writes something I cry, because I'm always almost certain it's about me, and I know she's heartbroken because she read's shit like this and knows that my heart is missing and some girl in Alaska threw it into some fucking lake, and Suzzy knows that she won't ever find it but she doesn't stop the calls and she doesn't give up because one day she asked me why I wrote a letter back and I started telling her but my fucking pen ran dry but I kept going because I didn't really want her to know but I feel like it's time to come clean-- because I never tried, and I never fought and I wish I fuckin' did, I wish that I could go back and try again, I wish that I could have left my phone at home that night, and fuck it, I lost. But you still haven't and that's my second favorite part about you, my favorite is that you're a mother and that you would never give up your daughter. That's why I wrote that letter back, and I hope that one day you can look at your husband as he plays with your daughter and you can laugh because you can realize how silly it all was and you'll hope that i got over her, but you'll know that I'm still drunk on my carpet staring at that old photo of her standing by that tree up in AF canyon, the lake was frozen and the mountains we're white and it's a pretty shitty photo, but I only own three photos of her, and they're my favorite three. And her outfit didn't match that day and she looked funny but she was beautiful no matter what she wore. I'm not sure what she'll be doing in 10 years but I hope that she's still falling asleep at work because the two of them we're up late making love the night before. A, the poems weren't about Jeri, I lied, I think it's time I admitted that, they were about you, and how you always looked beautiful no matter what you wore, and how you laughed and the way you cried and the way your hands felt around my back, and the way you walked and how you laughed and how you laughed and laughed and how you laughed and how you smiled and how you took the world in through your camera lens and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry Suzzy, You'll be reading this and I can't handle that, and we shouldn't have gone camping that one night, and I shouldn't drop by your house at one in the mourning so that we can walk around for hours and get milkshakes and fuck it I'm sorry. I'm not over her, I'm not over the colour of her skin or the way her hair smelled or the way the corners of her mouth looked when she talked about him and the way she held her cigarettes and the way she breathed, and the way she yelled and screamed and shouted and the way she felt under the blankets and the way her hands didn't shake and the way she never brought up my twitch or the way she teased my stutter and fuck it i lost, but I can take that, I can handle it. and Fuck it fuck it fuck it. A, I don't know where you are right now, but I'm sure you aren't wondering about me or the way my carpet feels or how drunk I really am or if that's just an analogy or metaphor or whatever the fuck you're supposed to call it, because the last thing you asked me was "are you dating her?" and I started wondering why you would ask and I was hoping that it was because you knew how I felt about you, but i was worried that you were thinking of it in the wrong kind of lighting and I wish that we could talk and i wish you two would have dated longer, you realize that you were only 18 for 11 days when you two were married? Your birthday was the day after mine and I never really had a nickname for you, Aubs never fit you and you never fit you and I never fit you but fuck it, i lost. I'll never find someone that makes me feel the way you did, but for now, My being drunk on the carpet is close enough. I'll be driving out to Chicago this friday, and I'll be in a car alone for 8 hours three days in a row, and I'll be playing modest mouse albums and listening to books on tape, but I'll be missing everything that was important because you'll be sitting next to me and my hands will be pushing my temples and you'll be saying "fuck you christian" that was my favorite thing you ever said, I'm not sure what he said to you, but you said it, and I'm not sure why I'm bringing this up and I'm worried to read through this while i'm sober, and i'm worried about my early twenties because that's when breaks happen. Aubs never fit. You're the only person I know with that name, and one day we'll bump into each other at a grocery store and it will just come out "Hey Aubs" and it'll feel horrible, and you'll be uncomfortable, and glad you never stuck around with me, because I'll have a fuckin' beard and I'll be wearing glasses and I'll have tattoos on my arms and you'll ask if I still write and I'll say "yes" but the conversation won't go past that, because we won't know how to act with each other, and novelists don't make money,even the succesful ones only make about $50,000, minus the giants like stephen king and J.K. Rowloing, often times writers actually owe the publisher money, imagine that, working day and night, losing sleep, staying up for two or three days just to write and then finally when you get what you think is your break, when you finally think that you'll start making money from all the hard work some fucker in a $7,000 suit tells you that you owe him money, but it's not about the money, it's about me, letting you know that I think I might still be in--

The trees grows tall Where I come from                    

                   
 There's no broken hearts No girls like you Cause I got so sad And I cut my hair If I cut my wrists dear Would you care?

We were drunk,
and our wordss f
                ell out our mouthss like  p a i n t.

We were sstoned,
and our bodiess fell to the grass like  p a i n t.

We were in love,
and our heartss             D
                            R

                            I
                   


                           P



                           P





                          E





                        D

                                        into our sstomachss like  p a i n t.

There were ssupernova’ss in our belly’ss, and black holess in our brainss
that ssucked away our bruisess.

You were sstainless ssteel,
penetrating my armss over and                               over and              over and              over again
The colOUR of your sskin as it collided with mine,
ffilling me with an unexplainable pressence,
one that made my armss sshake,
and turned my body into p a i n t,
before turning my mind off
and dro
                  pping me to a puddle on the  f l o o r,
before liffting me up onto a cross
and pulling me to the sstarss with a rope around my neck.

Hanging, from the Head of Hydris my feet                                     D
                                                                             R

                                                                             I


                                                                             P



                                                                             P
                



                                                                            E





                                                                           D
                                                                                   like p a i n t
as loverss lai d on earth, sstaring at a sstar whosse death iss beautiful,
Her fingerss in his sstomach like pitchforkss,
and her nailss in his back like a pick axe  into tree rootss.

I tried to be human,
But my  body was p  a  i  n  t.

To death

I'm a fake,
I am a liar,
But most of all,
I am a lousy fucking person.

Bottoms up.

Just Be With Me

The sky was exploding
and we could feel it in our bones
as billions of volts burst from the clouds
we could feel the ground   Q   A  E  as it struck the   l a n d
                                                          U   K 

We were born for nights              like this—
after the sun   p u  l    l        s    it’s lover from the

l a k e s, r i v e r s and o c e a n s,

d  r    a        g                s

her across the desert
he ignores her as she turns into a Cumulonimbus

She   c r i e  s           r  a  i    n
       c  r  i  e    s      r   a       i  n
           c r i e  s         r a i n
        c   r   i  e   s    r a    i      n

onto our ciTy on the fifth of July—
to take off our clothes and w a l k as we should
to let our hair get w e t and our toes turn to prunes.
To bask in our infinitely small importance.
To feel our skin turn to wet cotton.

Her static charges explode from the sky
and it lights your face,
It reflects off your teeth,
it turns your skin purple. 

Your favorite part is the s o u n d, the resounding B O O M,
It absorbs you, it surrounds you

Two days ago, we sat in the grass and saw explosions  across the V          Y
                                                                                                                                                            A    E
                                                                                                                                                              LL
it turned your skin from white to red to green to blue to purple to red to pink to red to green to orange to red to blue
and I saw your hair go from brown to white and crows-feet at the corners of your eyes and wrinkles by your mouth,  you were still beautiful. And the s o u n d was still your favorite part, every explosion every B O O M just like words from ME to YOU, enveloping you, surrounding you, absorbing you,
as I   F
       E
       L
       L    in love with you over and over again,
these explosions in the sky, the static charge bursting from the clouds like these works of gunpowder and fire,  reminding you, that we are infinitely unimportant to this universe, yet I would choose YOU, over it any day.